Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
this is an emotional support booty call
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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