Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
