the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
