I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
