I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
