last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
