I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
