i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
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Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
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Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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