so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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