there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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