I think my fart just growled at me.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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