Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
