I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
