I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
