so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
