So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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