After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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