i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
