My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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