he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
