Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
