The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
