Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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