I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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