I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
