did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
