I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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