epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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