The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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