was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
