Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
