then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
