Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
