I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
