Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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