If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
