ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
