I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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