i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
