I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
