cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
