I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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