I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
