I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Couch. On fire.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
