That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
