why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
