i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He passed out mid-signature
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
