If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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