shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
