We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just found a bag of teeth...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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