sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
