I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
