she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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