it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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